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Yes, I exist, barely.


Sometimes I feel that I am just here, like a hamster on a wheel. I do my job, grow my business, take care of my house, be a FULL TIME MOTHER, but where am I? The part of me that is me, you know?  It's just been really tough lately.  Robert is in finals and I always want to pull my hair out.  For some reason, whenever he is out of the picture 12 hours a day for two weeks straight, The Pat-a-Cake Baby is extremely busy, my family is too busy to help with Sophia, so I just go and I go and I go.  I never get things completely done, thoroughly, like I need to settle my OCD.  I just skim by because that is all I have time for.  Important things get lost and I don't have time to find them.

We are doing a giant trade show, the Seattle Gift Show at the end of August and Robert will be in Seattle with me Friday through Sunday morning.  I will run the booth solo Sun, Mon, and Tuesday and then drive home on Wedesday.  No baby. Just me alone on those days. OMG, I can't wait.  My own hotel room, wow, I feel like an adult. 

I would love to be able to just go to the gym and drop the kiddo off and work on myself, but we can't afford that.  Even though I think tanning is wrong and swore I wouldn't do it since my friend got cancer in her early, early twenties from it (she is ok now), I crave just laying there in the heat and quiet by myself, so relaxing.  I crave taking hot baths alone or reading a book or being outside by myself with no time limit.  Why is it when you become a parent, you lose so much of yourself? Does it have to be like that? Am I being too selfish? I am so busy and stressed that I eat crap that is fast and then my body feels like the crap I just ate. 

Sorry for the gloomy post, but I needed to vent and I guess this is my only diary type thing. 

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Our trip to Boise and Birth Control

So, I've been swamped with work lately and Robert just finished midterms, which means I am a single mom for a week on top of working 40 hours without a sitter (long, late nights).  Anyway, it is over now and to celebrate we went to Boise from Saturday until Wednesday.  We flew down there and Soph was so excited about the plane.  It was her 9th and 10th plane ride, but she actually understood what was going on. 

We got to see some old friends and professors, which was awesome!  We had fun at Texas Roadhouse, Chuck E. Cheese (Sophia's favorite place ever!!!! "Cheese Cheese Cheese, Chuck-e-Cheese!!!"), we went to the park on the last day and chased and fed ducks and geese.  It was so cold the whole trip (low 30's) that we couldn't do much outside, like go to the zoo.  Our hotel was awesome, it had its own kitchen.  It was a great mini vacation and very affordable.  I did the name your own price on priceline.com and got a $146 hotel room for $50 per night, our rental car was free because of credit card miles and our plane tickets were $29 each way/person. 

I am getting off the pill, thank the Lord.  Not to get pregnant, by any means, but because it messes with my body too much.  Obviously the IUD didn't work out.  Neither did the Pill.  It makes me incredibly hungry and therefore, fat, super emotional and extremely constipated.  I will go 5 days without going to the loo.  So, from now on it is the natural method and backup protection.  Has anyone relied on these methods? Do they work, lol? 

Robert just got to see Chief Justice Roberts of the US Supreme Court...he just got home from Moscow and I wanna hear all about it...gotta go!

Yay for Coldplay!

Robert bought us Coldplay tickets for July 11th at the Gorge! I'm so excited....I LOVE LOVE LOVE Coldplay.  My favs are: Fix You, 42, Lost?, Sparks, and Don't Panic. 

This is my birthday present, but I was nagging so much about the tickets being sold out and how I should start looking on eBay that he just told me he got them!

We had a nice Valentine's Day weekend.  We went to the casino on Friday night and Robert won $145!  He only bet $15 and walked away with $160 playing blackjack.  Sophia stayed the night with Grandma for the first time! That was the first time I'd ever been away from her for a whole night.  I did pretty good!  Saturday I mostly worked and then Sunday morning we went to the Coeur d'Alene Resort brunch, it was yummy!  Tonight I went shopping to the Valley mall with my mom and got Sophia a swimsuit at Old Navy for $2!!!  It's super cute too.  Ok, that's all I have time for...back to work.

And finally an update


I know I am the worst blogger in the entire world and I appreciate those of you who have stayed with me....

Sophia is already up from her nap crying in her crib, so I'll have to make this as quick as I can.  I can only type for so long, as I have tendonitis pretty bad and it just flares when I type.

SOPHIA: Cute as a bug! I am so in love with my daughter.  She is just so funny and so smart.  She is full of the cutest idiosyncrasies.  She is 18 months and 12 days.  She is potty training right now and very into it.  She runs around naked or in her new Elmo panties most of the day and we leave her potty chair in the living room for her to use.  She is pretty self-regulated when it comes to using it, although we still have the occassional wee wee on the floor to clean up.  She claps for me after I use the toilet and says, "Yay!" 

She is incredibly obsessed with Elmo!  Wants Elmo everything.  I refuse to buy Elmo clothing (just undies).  I just don't like character stuff.  her favorite food is popcorn and she eats it pretty much everyday.  I give her healthy kind.  She goes around saying, "Pop, Pop, Pop."  I know it is a choking hazard, but she eats it really well and she is always supervised.

A couple of weeks ago we were leaving our dad's house (yes, they are roomates, I know, weird) and she said "Grandpas, two, dog, bye bye!"  A 4 word sentence, quite impressive! 

She is still only in the 20th percentile for weight and she needs a weight checkup in April.  She was always in the 90th when she was a baby, but that is common for breast-fed only babies.

ROBERT: Busy with school and work still, of course.  He is applying for more internships that might offer him a job.  He is looking at the Spokane County Prosecutor's Office and probably Kootenai County as well.

He is currently at work right now, but will hopefully be home for Superbowl. 

ME: Crazy, insanely busy with work.  I hired a nanny to come in from 2-4:30 Tuesday through Thursday so that helps.  I put an ad on Craigslist for an assistant to cut fabric, apply snaps, etc and I've had a big response.  I just need more help!  I'm so behind right now.  It's been the best month ever!  I feel so blessed to have this booming business during these tough times...trust me, I don't take it for granted.  I am happy to be able to offer jobs and my 2 seamstresses enjoy the $$$.  Baby Cottage Gifts www.babycottagegifts.com is pretty much done, thanks to Christy www.cyhassociates.com  (she is my LJ friend).  She did a great job and I highly recommend her services to anyone needing all things webby. 

I am at my lowest weight, woo hoo!  10 lbs to go this year.  I am doing a Thisilyn body cleanse.  It has herbs, lots of fibers, thisilyn, etc and it cleans you out!  Wow! It feels good to not be so bloated all the time!  11 pills a day though, which can be tough for someone that hates swallowing pills.  I did it mostly because I felt so "toxic" after the methotrexate injections from the ectopic pregnancy.

We went to a party last night for my friend Adrien's birthday.  Theme: Pimp and Ho...yeah I was really trepadacious about dressing up, but eventually did.  I wore my Hooters tank top that I bought in Boise as a joke, fish net stockings, high heels, short shorts and some clunky jewelry.  Robert didn't dress up. 

CATS: Lazy and shedding winter fur!!!  It's everywhere and gross! We had to take Jack, our 4th and last rescue cat, to the vet on Friday because he was bleeding through his eye, plus limping!  He got in a fight and a cat's claw pierced all the way though his eyelid.  He is on antibiotics right now. 

Alright, Sophia is going to chew through her crib if I don't get her!
 

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1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Started several online businesses.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I think it is always to lose weight, and yes I did lose almost 10 lbs.  I want to lose another 10 lbs, at LEAST!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my friend Laura had her second baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully

5. What countries did you visit?
None, unfortunately.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A better grip on business...more streamlined and focused.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 20th-Sophia's 1st Birthday, November 25th-I found out I was pregnant with an IUD. November 27th-Thanksgiving-went to the ER, found out I was more than likely having an ectopic pregnancy.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Bringing in sales higher than a teacher's salary, although we made a quarter of that...lots of upfront costs

9. What was your biggest failure?
Maybe not losing more weight.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes, see question 7 plus got diagnosed with tendonitis.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
UGGS!!!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Sophia for being such a big girl. She is so brilliant and I can hardly keep up with her!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Whenever I heard on the news about child abusers and animal abusers. I hate those F%$#@RS!

14. Where did most of your money go?
Um bills, but I did buy some nice clothing items...expensive pea coat and Uggs, plus some good Clinique makeup.  Went to Vegas in July and spend money on a plane ticket.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Starting my biz

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Fix You by Coldplay

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
i. happier or sadder? Happier
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner
iii. richer or poorer? Richer, a little

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise, get out and see friends more, let Sophia socialize more with her peers...she really needs it

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Work, ha!

20. How will you be spending New Years?
Well I spent it with Robert on the couch...kinda lame

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2008?
Hmm, not sure. I do stupid stuff all the time.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Besides my family, yes, Edward Cullen.

23. How many one-night stands?
I'm married

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope, don't have time to hate, well except child and animal abusers.

26. What was the best book you read?
TWILIGHT SERIES!!!!!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Coldplay, Iron and Wine

28. What did you want and get?
Uggs

29. What did you want and not get?
a real vacation

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Um guess, TWILIGHT! The Changeling was good too, but a little sad.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
25, had a luau themed party at my house with tons of friends and family.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A Hawaiian vacation.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
A lot better, I actually give a shit now.

34. What kept you sane?
my husband

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Robert Pattinson

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Children's Safe Product Act which is going to put small business people out of business even they make wondeful and safe handmade products.

37. Who did you miss?
Friends

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Shabree :-)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
You CAN get pregnant on the Mirena IUD while breastfeeding even!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones"

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Serious Obsession

I am in LOVE with the Twilight series.  I am currently on the last (4th book in a week's time).  I've read over 600 pages in the last 24 hours, I've stayed up until 4:15 reading, I've googled all there is to know about the actor's in the movie Twilight, I saw the movie twice in two day's time.  I can barely eat and I've lost 4 lbs or more in a week.  All because of Stephenie Meyer, the author of this captivating series. 

I can't explain it....I've never been so enthralled with a book series before.  The emotions that are portrayed by these characters are so incredibly real.  Edward Cullen is the most attractive fictional person ever...in a way I am almost depressed that I only have one more book, although I can look forward to three more movies (one each year). 

If you've seen the movie, you know the awesome chemistry that Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattison share, it's unreal.  Is there anyone out there that knows what I am going on and on about??!?!!!! 

My mom and sister are both reading the books and we are planning a road trip to Forks, Washington for Spring Break (the setting in the books).  Yes, we are unabashedly obsessed. 

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More of the same


Thursdays' hCG level was high, like 428...it climbed almost 200 points even after the methotrexate.  Scary news, but Dr. said that it can take a full 7 days to work.  Went in on Monday and it only dropped to 398.  I have to go in again today and pray it drops like 200 points! If not, then more methotrexate.  It puts me on my ass for 3 days and I hate having these toxic chemicals in my body. 

I wanted yesterday to be really fun in case I have to get metho today.  We went to a Christmas Tree Farm and cut down our tree.  It is a beautiful 9 foot blue spruce!   I haven't had a real tree in 5 years or more! I just really want Soph to have the memories of getting a real tree.  Those memories are priceless.  It smells great and will look wonderful after I decorate it in silver and blue. 

I took Sophia to see Santa at River Park Square yesterday so she could get her picture.  She did great...no crying!  Only because he gave her "mandy" (candy).  Here is the pic and it will be included in this year's Chrismtas card:



Robert is pulling his 3rd all nighter in 8 days...damn law school....he has his first final today at 1:30.  Wish him luck!

A Good Forward


My mom just forwarded this to me and I really like it.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It 
is the ultimate anti-depressant. 

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about 
what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to. 

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My 
purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________' 

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that 
is manufactured in plants. 

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan 
salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts. 

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip,energy vampires, issues 
of the past, negative thoughts or thing s you cannot control. Instead 
invest your energy in the positive present moment. 

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a 
college kid with a maxed out charge card. 

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 

12 You are not so important that you have to win every argument. 
agree to disagree. 

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their 
journey is all about. 

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, 
will this matter?' 

17. Forgive everyone for everything. 

18. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

19. God heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.

 

        Your friends will. Stay in touch!!! 

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I 
am thankful for__________. Today I accomplished_________. 

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed. 

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. 
You'll be smiling before you know it. 


Hell

So, I went in yesterday to the OB after getting my 4th hCG blood test (plus he needed a CBC).  They were possibly going to do a DNC surgery where they go in and clean you out, but they can't do that with your fallopian tubes, so if this pregnancy was ectopic, it would be a pointless surgery.  For some reason my hCG was going up a little bit, meaning there was active placental tissue, yet a failing pregnancy. 

What we ended up doing was getting methotrexate injections.  It was two shots in my top butt cheeks.  It is a powerful drug used for cancer and a myriad of things...it is basically chemo.  In fact it was developed in the 40's to treat severe leukemia in children.  It was one of the first chemo drugs.  It is used in ectopic pregnancies to dissolve the zygote/embryo before the fallopian tube can burst causing hemmorhaging and possible death in the mother if not treated. If I was to get pregnant in the next couple of months, it could also cause severe birth defects, so we have to be extra careful, not that sex sounds fun at all.  After all of this, it is the last thing I am interested in.

I was injected around 5 pm and was ok until about 8 or 9 and then it was HELL.  I was nauseous, had severe body aches and pains, was cold...I mean it was just icky.  I already feel icky because I am sick on top of all this.  The CBC even showed my white blood cell count is high meaning I am fighting something.  I will go in on Thursday and get another hCG blood draw (my arms are totally bruised up) to see if the hormone level went down.  Pray that it does because if this drug didn't work I will need surgery and I will probably lose my fallopian tube.

Because this drug is so powerful, I absolutely cannot nurse for a couple of days and I am afraid of nursing after that even.  We are thinking about weaning and it makes me so sad.  I just don't want the last time I ever nursed Sophia to be on a cold Dr,'s office on a table with a paper cover, which is where I was yesterday.  It seriously breaks my heart.  When I laid her down for her nap today she kept asking for boop and I had to say no.  She cried.  She is still not asleep.  Nursing moms out there...do you remember the last time you nursed your child?  Did you make the last time extra special? 

So this is my life right now and it is just down right depressing.  I lost something I never even had.  I want to put this dreadful week behind me, feel better and go on with my life.  Christmas is coming and I want to make it extra special for Sophia.  I need more energy and more zest. 

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Update

I went in to the ER around 5 am Thanksgiving morning because I woke up with a cramp and I had to pee.  When I went pee, there was a lot of blood in the toilet and then I really started cramping.  I was doubled over in pain and we decided to go into the ER.  We woke up Sophia and bundled her up and drove as fast as we could to the hospital.  Fortunately, there was hardly any traffic that early. 

When we got there, I had to wait for awhile, but I was more comfortable in the hospital bed because I could position myself better.  They gave me an IV with some anti nauseau and some pain meds.  The lab people came in and stuck me with two needles to draw 6 viles of blood!  They couldn't get the first one to take (you should see this unsightly bruise on my arm) and so they found another spot. 

Then I was wheeled on a gurney (first time!) to the Ultrasound Room.  She did a regular US, and then a transvaginal one.  I needed an empty bladder and they need an uncontaminated urine sample so they catheterized me! Probably the worst thing out of all of this! 

After all of this, the doc came in to tell me my hCG levels were down, meaning my pregnancy is not viable and I am miscarrying.  The good news is that they are pretty sure it isn't in my fallopian tubes, so that is good because if it was, I would probably need surgery at this point and I would lose half of my girly parts.

I have to go in today for another hCG test.  The whole thing is bittersweet.  I haven't had time to process it all, as we were rushed to Thanksgiving dinner and then yesterday had the lighting ceremony event. 

Of course this all comes when I am sooo swamped with orders and Robert has tons of school and work stuff.  He has been so amazing though.  Taking care of Sophia and laundry plus everything else.  He is a wonderful husband and I am so lucky to have him.  Thank you all for your blessings.  I'm sorry I haven't had time to comment back to each of you from the last entry, but it is truly appreicated.

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