Sometimes I feel that I am just here, like a hamster on a wheel. I do my job, grow my business, take care of my house, be a FULL TIME MOTHER, but where am I? The part of me that is me, you know?  It's just been really tough lately.  Robert is in finals and I always want to pull my hair out.  For some reason, whenever he is out of the picture 12 hours a day for two weeks straight, The Pat-a-Cake Baby is extremely busy, my family is too busy to help with Sophia, so I just go and I go and I go.  I never get things completely done, thoroughly, like I need to settle my OCD.  I just skim by because that is all I have time for.  Important things get lost and I don't have time to find them.

We are doing a giant trade show, the Seattle Gift Show at the end of August and Robert will be in Seattle with me Friday through Sunday morning.  I will run the booth solo Sun, Mon, and Tuesday and then drive home on Wedesday.  No baby. Just me alone on those days. OMG, I can't wait.  My own hotel room, wow, I feel like an adult. 

I would love to be able to just go to the gym and drop the kiddo off and work on myself, but we can't afford that.  Even though I think tanning is wrong and swore I wouldn't do it since my friend got cancer in her early, early twenties from it (she is ok now), I crave just laying there in the heat and quiet by myself, so relaxing.  I crave taking hot baths alone or reading a book or being outside by myself with no time limit.  Why is it when you become a parent, you lose so much of yourself? Does it have to be like that? Am I being too selfish? I am so busy and stressed that I eat crap that is fast and then my body feels like the crap I just ate. 

Sorry for the gloomy post, but I needed to vent and I guess this is my only diary type thing. 

So, I've been swamped with work lately and Robert just finished midterms, which means I am a single mom for a week on top of working 40 hours without a sitter (long, late nights).  Anyway, it is over now and to celebrate we went to Boise from Saturday until Wednesday.  We flew down there and Soph was so excited about the plane.  It was her 9th and 10th plane ride, but she actually understood what was going on. 

We got to see some old friends and professors, which was awesome!  We had fun at Texas Roadhouse, Chuck E. Cheese (Sophia's favorite place ever!!!! "Cheese Cheese Cheese, Chuck-e-Cheese!!!"), we went to the park on the last day and chased and fed ducks and geese.  It was so cold the whole trip (low 30's) that we couldn't do much outside, like go to the zoo.  Our hotel was awesome, it had its own kitchen.  It was a great mini vacation and very affordable.  I did the name your own price on priceline.com and got a $146 hotel room for $50 per night, our rental car was free because of credit card miles and our plane tickets were $29 each way/person. 

I am getting off the pill, thank the Lord.  Not to get pregnant, by any means, but because it messes with my body too much.  Obviously the IUD didn't work out.  Neither did the Pill.  It makes me incredibly hungry and therefore, fat, super emotional and extremely constipated.  I will go 5 days without going to the loo.  So, from now on it is the natural method and backup protection.  Has anyone relied on these methods? Do they work, lol? 

Robert just got to see Chief Justice Roberts of the US Supreme Court...he just got home from Moscow and I wanna hear all about it...gotta go!

Robert bought us Coldplay tickets for July 11th at the Gorge! I'm so excited....I LOVE LOVE LOVE Coldplay.  My favs are: Fix You, 42, Lost?, Sparks, and Don't Panic. 

This is my birthday present, but I was nagging so much about the tickets being sold out and how I should start looking on eBay that he just told me he got them!

We had a nice Valentine's Day weekend.  We went to the casino on Friday night and Robert won $145!  He only bet $15 and walked away with $160 playing blackjack.  Sophia stayed the night with Grandma for the first time! That was the first time I'd ever been away from her for a whole night.  I did pretty good!  Saturday I mostly worked and then Sunday morning we went to the Coeur d'Alene Resort brunch, it was yummy!  Tonight I went shopping to the Valley mall with my mom and got Sophia a swimsuit at Old Navy for $2!!!  It's super cute too.  Ok, that's all I have time for...back to work.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Started several online businesses.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I think it is always to lose weight, and yes I did lose almost 10 lbs.  I want to lose another 10 lbs, at LEAST!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my friend Laura had her second baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully

5. What countries did you visit?
None, unfortunately.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A better grip on business...more streamlined and focused.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 20th-Sophia's 1st Birthday, November 25th-I found out I was pregnant with an IUD. November 27th-Thanksgiving-went to the ER, found out I was more than likely having an ectopic pregnancy.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Bringing in sales higher than a teacher's salary, although we made a quarter of that...lots of upfront costs

9. What was your biggest failure?
Maybe not losing more weight.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes, see question 7 plus got diagnosed with tendonitis.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
UGGS!!!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Sophia for being such a big girl. She is so brilliant and I can hardly keep up with her!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Whenever I heard on the news about child abusers and animal abusers. I hate those F%$#@RS!

14. Where did most of your money go?
Um bills, but I did buy some nice clothing items...expensive pea coat and Uggs, plus some good Clinique makeup.  Went to Vegas in July and spend money on a plane ticket.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Starting my biz

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Fix You by Coldplay

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
i. happier or sadder? Happier
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner
iii. richer or poorer? Richer, a little

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise, get out and see friends more, let Sophia socialize more with her peers...she really needs it

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Work, ha!

20. How will you be spending New Years?
Well I spent it with Robert on the couch...kinda lame

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2008?
Hmm, not sure. I do stupid stuff all the time.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Besides my family, yes, Edward Cullen.

23. How many one-night stands?
I'm married

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope, don't have time to hate, well except child and animal abusers.

26. What was the best book you read?
TWILIGHT SERIES!!!!!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Coldplay, Iron and Wine

28. What did you want and get?
Uggs

29. What did you want and not get?
a real vacation

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Um guess, TWILIGHT! The Changeling was good too, but a little sad.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
25, had a luau themed party at my house with tons of friends and family.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A Hawaiian vacation.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
A lot better, I actually give a shit now.

34. What kept you sane?
my husband

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Robert Pattinson

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Children's Safe Product Act which is going to put small business people out of business even they make wondeful and safe handmade products.

37. Who did you miss?
Friends

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Shabree :-)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
You CAN get pregnant on the Mirena IUD while breastfeeding even!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones"

I am in LOVE with the Twilight series.  I am currently on the last (4th book in a week's time).  I've read over 600 pages in the last 24 hours, I've stayed up until 4:15 reading, I've googled all there is to know about the actor's in the movie Twilight, I saw the movie twice in two day's time.  I can barely eat and I've lost 4 lbs or more in a week.  All because of Stephenie Meyer, the author of this captivating series. 

I can't explain it....I've never been so enthralled with a book series before.  The emotions that are portrayed by these characters are so incredibly real.  Edward Cullen is the most attractive fictional person ever...in a way I am almost depressed that I only have one more book, although I can look forward to three more movies (one each year). 

If you've seen the movie, you know the awesome chemistry that Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattison share, it's unreal.  Is there anyone out there that knows what I am going on and on about??!?!!!! 

My mom and sister are both reading the books and we are planning a road trip to Forks, Washington for Spring Break (the setting in the books).  Yes, we are unabashedly obsessed. 

Thursdays' hCG level was high, like 428...it climbed almost 200 points even after the methotrexate.  Scary news, but Dr. said that it can take a full 7 days to work.  Went in on Monday and it only dropped to 398.  I have to go in again today and pray it drops like 200 points! If not, then more methotrexate.  It puts me on my ass for 3 days and I hate having these toxic chemicals in my body. 

I wanted yesterday to be really fun in case I have to get metho today.  We went to a Christmas Tree Farm and cut down our tree.  It is a beautiful 9 foot blue spruce!   I haven't had a real tree in 5 years or more! I just really want Soph to have the memories of getting a real tree.  Those memories are priceless.  It smells great and will look wonderful after I decorate it in silver and blue. 

I took Sophia to see Santa at River Park Square yesterday so she could get her picture.  She did great...no crying!  Only because he gave her "mandy" (candy).  Here is the pic and it will be included in this year's Chrismtas card:



Robert is pulling his 3rd all nighter in 8 days...damn law school....he has his first final today at 1:30.  Wish him luck!

So, I went in yesterday to the OB after getting my 4th hCG blood test (plus he needed a CBC).  They were possibly going to do a DNC surgery where they go in and clean you out, but they can't do that with your fallopian tubes, so if this pregnancy was ectopic, it would be a pointless surgery.  For some reason my hCG was going up a little bit, meaning there was active placental tissue, yet a failing pregnancy. 

What we ended up doing was getting methotrexate injections.  It was two shots in my top butt cheeks.  It is a powerful drug used for cancer and a myriad of things...it is basically chemo.  In fact it was developed in the 40's to treat severe leukemia in children.  It was one of the first chemo drugs.  It is used in ectopic pregnancies to dissolve the zygote/embryo before the fallopian tube can burst causing hemmorhaging and possible death in the mother if not treated. If I was to get pregnant in the next couple of months, it could also cause severe birth defects, so we have to be extra careful, not that sex sounds fun at all.  After all of this, it is the last thing I am interested in.

I was injected around 5 pm and was ok until about 8 or 9 and then it was HELL.  I was nauseous, had severe body aches and pains, was cold...I mean it was just icky.  I already feel icky because I am sick on top of all this.  The CBC even showed my white blood cell count is high meaning I am fighting something.  I will go in on Thursday and get another hCG blood draw (my arms are totally bruised up) to see if the hormone level went down.  Pray that it does because if this drug didn't work I will need surgery and I will probably lose my fallopian tube.

Because this drug is so powerful, I absolutely cannot nurse for a couple of days and I am afraid of nursing after that even.  We are thinking about weaning and it makes me so sad.  I just don't want the last time I ever nursed Sophia to be on a cold Dr,'s office on a table with a paper cover, which is where I was yesterday.  It seriously breaks my heart.  When I laid her down for her nap today she kept asking for boop and I had to say no.  She cried.  She is still not asleep.  Nursing moms out there...do you remember the last time you nursed your child?  Did you make the last time extra special? 

So this is my life right now and it is just down right depressing.  I lost something I never even had.  I want to put this dreadful week behind me, feel better and go on with my life.  Christmas is coming and I want to make it extra special for Sophia.  I need more energy and more zest. 

I went in to the ER around 5 am Thanksgiving morning because I woke up with a cramp and I had to pee.  When I went pee, there was a lot of blood in the toilet and then I really started cramping.  I was doubled over in pain and we decided to go into the ER.  We woke up Sophia and bundled her up and drove as fast as we could to the hospital.  Fortunately, there was hardly any traffic that early. 

When we got there, I had to wait for awhile, but I was more comfortable in the hospital bed because I could position myself better.  They gave me an IV with some anti nauseau and some pain meds.  The lab people came in and stuck me with two needles to draw 6 viles of blood!  They couldn't get the first one to take (you should see this unsightly bruise on my arm) and so they found another spot. 

Then I was wheeled on a gurney (first time!) to the Ultrasound Room.  She did a regular US, and then a transvaginal one.  I needed an empty bladder and they need an uncontaminated urine sample so they catheterized me! Probably the worst thing out of all of this! 

After all of this, the doc came in to tell me my hCG levels were down, meaning my pregnancy is not viable and I am miscarrying.  The good news is that they are pretty sure it isn't in my fallopian tubes, so that is good because if it was, I would probably need surgery at this point and I would lose half of my girly parts.

I have to go in today for another hCG test.  The whole thing is bittersweet.  I haven't had time to process it all, as we were rushed to Thanksgiving dinner and then yesterday had the lighting ceremony event. 

Of course this all comes when I am sooo swamped with orders and Robert has tons of school and work stuff.  He has been so amazing though.  Taking care of Sophia and laundry plus everything else.  He is a wonderful husband and I am so lucky to have him.  Thank you all for your blessings.  I'm sorry I haven't had time to comment back to each of you from the last entry, but it is truly appreicated.

My kid that is! Today Sophia came up to me and made me open my hand like she wanted to give me something, so I did.  Yeah, she put cat puke in my hand.  One of the cats had vomited in the kitchen in 3 spots and Sophia was very happy to show me.  It was disgusting. I'm still reeling from it.

You see, I have been doing so much webby stuff lately for work that I feel guilty spending time on other things pleasureable like writing.  Also, I have been diagnosed with tendonitis in my right hand and it hurts like HELL!!! I had an xray and got a brace type thing, but I never wear it because I NEED my right hand. 

I am taking off all inventory at www.thepatacakebaby.com except my own, as it will be just for our products which is easier for wholesale vendors.  I am moving my inventory to www.babycottagegifts.com.  I had an Etsian www.annacote.etsy.com design my banner and babyfevertime  is fixing up my template, doing SEO stuff and creating a main graphic with flash.  Loading and uploading products takes an incredibly long time and just kills my hand after 10 minutes. The site is really coming along though, check it out y'all! By the way my friends and family discount is 20% off and the code is FAMILY.  I think I still need to make the code work though at the new site. 

Work has been keeping me busy, not as great as last month, but busy enough for sure.  We got  four wholesale orders so far, which is nice.  I hired another seamstress in case we get really busy for Christmas, plus she has a serger which looks great for washcloths, wipes, etc.  We are going to start appliqueing baby gowns/sleepsacks, which will look really cool!

Well, sorry so short, hand is going to fall off. 

Yesterday, I went to use the restroom...I opened up the lid of the toilet and what do I find bobbing up and down?

THIS!


Sophia had gone into the bathroom, opened up the toilet lid, put this pumpkin in it and then shut it...all on her own! What a way to give her mommy a Halloween trick!

Before this happened and before I knew there was a pumpkin floater, she had shut the door of the bathroom, while inside.  I went to rescue her and I find her sitting on the ground reading a book called "Cats" with two cats sitting around her.  It was hillarious! I guess she decided the cats needed to know more about being a cat. 

We went trick or treating to about 10 houses last night around da' hood.  Robert's dad, and two of our friends, Jim and Jason came over.  We watched a scary movie called "30 Days of Night" and then we watched "Superbad".  I love the movie...I know, I have a crude sense of humor!

Every night, I am going to do 3 of the following things to help my mental and physical health.  Life has been pretty stressfull lately...work has been busy, well actually kind of slow, but I am still super busy doing stuff for it and Sophia has like 3 molars coming in at once, plus the two that are already kind of there.  So, here is my list and I'd love to add more to it! Please comment with ideas that you already and want to do for yourself.

List:
200 crunches
Drink a cup of tea
Take a bath
Read
Exercise
Drink a no sugar added fruit smoothie
Facial mask
Paint my nails
Floss

I am really excited for Sophia's new boots to arrive! They are the PediPed Hannah boots and they are lined with super soft faux fur.  We are going to be stylin' with our boots this year!

So I just love Angelina Jolie.  Something about her.  Maybe it's those lips.  I always tell Robert that if I was a lesbian, I'd totally go for her (assuming she was also a lesbian and would go for me, but she'd probably just go for Portia de Rossi, since she is a pretty Hollywood lesbian, oh no, poor Ellen.  There is definitely a love triangle in sight).  I must mention I'm just about finished with a large glass of St. Chapelle reisling and get very radical when I drink.  Must also mention that I'm ALONE!!!! Ok, Sophia is alseep, but Robert is with a buddy having his own adult beverage.  I love Robert to pieces, but I am NEVER alone-it's either a baby on my hip (or boob).  I am thoroughly enjoying my Project Playlist, snooping on people's myspaces and actually reading my friends' blogs.  Let alone, enjoying this fan-tab-u-lous vino. 

Ok, so the whole point of my post was to discuss my love for Angie.  She is currently on newstands everywhere BREASTFEEDING (Oh my!) her babies.  The pictures are taken by Brad and are very candid.  I must pick up this magazine.  Lots of kuddos for Angelina for standing up to Hollywood and giving formula the finger.  It seems like most Hollywood moms are too busy to breastfeed their babies and it is way easier to give the nanny a bottle filled with powder and water. Yummy.  So yay Ang!  I don't mean to piss off formula feeders.  I am just expressing my love for Angie and how great it is she is showing the world that breastfeeding is doable, even if you are a celebrity. 

Since the majority of people who read this blog just want to know about Sophia, I'd thought I write up a "Milestones" post. 

Physical: (Gross Motor) Sophia is walking 100% now.  If she falls, she gets right back up and walks.  In fact, she runs now.  It is more like really fast walking with lots of falls, but it looks like a partial run. 

She is so close to doing a summersault by herself! She stands up and tucks her head in on the floor and waits for us to push her over.  She thinks it is sooo fun!

(Fine Motor) Uses her crayons somewhat, but mostly eats them still.  She is showing lots of interest in using silverware.  If I put food on her spoon and then give her the spoon, she will put it in her mouth.  She loves to drink from straws!  This is quite a handy skill when we are eating out and forgot the sippy cup.

Social/Emotional: Sophia is still super attached to me.  She cries and chases after me if I leave the room! She loves her daddy, but needs me with her all the time.  This can definitely take its toll on me.  It is even worse when she is hungry and/or tired because I put her to sleep with nursing and well, I am the one who nurses her :-) so she associates me completely with those needs.  She is pretty weary of other adults, especially strangers.  They smile at her and she shakes her head no.  I guess she knows "Stranger Danger". 

She has quite an interest in babies, always pointing them out in pictures.  She needs to be around other kids her age more, but it is sure hard when her mother works from home 40 plus hours a week! Plus Sophia's nap schedule (10-12) really interferes with everyone else's schedule.  Mom's group is out.  I've honestly tried keeping her awake to go do things and she is completely miserable.  She sleeps at night from 7:30-7:30 straight, but still needs that nap from 10-12. 

She has a best friend-his name is Bobo and he has one eye.  He is a little white bear.  She took him from my friend's store (he was in the play area and in fact was my friend's dog's toy).  She took him, named him Bobo and hasn't left his side.  He eats with her, sometimes bathes with her, goes on car trips, inside stores, and sleeps with her.  It is funny how kids find their own loveys.  When he is missing, she walks around and says, "Booooobooooo" in the most desperate baby voice you've ever heard.  I'd post videos if someone would tell me how. 

Cognitive: WOW! This is her biggest growth area! She is talking like no other.  You point to an object, say the name once and she knows it and repeats it and keeps using it!  She probably knows 30 words or more by heart.

If you ask her "What does a ________ say?" she will be sure to tell you! She knows snake "Ssssssss", cow "Mmmmmm", kitty "Mouw", horse "ppppppp", dog "ererer", bat and rat both go "eeeeee".  She chases people and cats around with a fake bug and goes "eeeeeeee" it is hillarious.  She laughs so hard at herself too. 

I had a super cute trick-or-treat bag made for her and we taught her about "trick or treat".  She will walk around and says "Ti-ti-ti" with her bag (wearing it like a purse) and wants us to put stuff in it. 

She knows the word poop and what it means.  She goes in her potty chair sometimes, if I catch her poop face.  Oh and boob too.  She points to my boob and says it over and over. 

She loves books, just loves them.  She prefers them over any toy.  I have a 6 foot bookcase full of children's books from when I taught and she loves it! She pulls them out and brings them over to Robert and I to read to her.  She gets bored after about 5 pages, but we still keep reading while she is off doing something else. 

She knows some Spanish words and she knows them in English too.  She knows "rana" (frog) and "lengua" (tongue) really well.  She knows the letter E.  I'm serious! She points to a capital E and says, "E". 

She is showing interest in numbers.  She keeps pointing to the numbers in her bathtime book and wants Robert to say the number over and over.  Robert always gives her baths, which is nice, although I'm usually doing dinner dishes or laundry, but it still gives me a moment of silence. 

I know there is tons more, but I am a tired mother and that is all I can think of right now.  It is sure fun watching her grow, but it makes me realize how short childhood really is.  I am mostly trying to work during the night so I can be a full-on mother during the day, plus it is pretty much impossible to get anything done anyway.  She wants to be right next to me in the studio and it is too dangerous (sharp cutting tools and stuff).  We run around and buy supplies and go to the post office in the day alot.  Yesterday we were big shoppers in Spokane.  Last weekend we went to a real farm and picked pumpkins.  Today Sophia and Robert picked all of our pumpkins in the garden.  We had around 30 mini pumpkins and like 7 small to medium sized white pumpkins.  We are going to go to another pumpkin farm in Greenbluff and get a big old jack-o-lantern and take part of the Fall Festival one of these weekends coming up. 

Hey Everyone! We are giving away a Onesie/BabyLegs set to one lucky winner! Go visit our business blog to enter! We will be regularly having giveaways.  Giveaway ends this Sunday at 12:00 PM PST!

I am very excited because the purse I custom ordered (I chose the fabric) will be on its way! A fellow Etsy seller made it for me and it was such a great deal! $27.95! Her store is called Finn Fancies and you can find her at www.finnfancies.etsy.com. She is also an Idahoan, although we live in the complete opposite ends. Check her store out!